Working with Teens Without Nagging
If there’s one thing that bugs teens about their parents, it’s nagging. While teens with ADHD often need reminders to start something, they often resist whatever you say, no matter how you say it. Quickly, tempers flare and arguments ensue about the fact that you gave them a nudge at all while the actual task remains uncompleted. At other times, your son or daughter acknowledges what you said but just doesn’t feel like doing anything. What else can you do?
Start with your compassion. Throughout their lives, kids with ADHD hear many comments about what they could be doing differently, i.e better. They’ve learned to expect criticism and many kids have told me that they don’t believe in ‘positive feedback.’ Over time, these frequent suggestions or admonitions about their behavior, emotions or social relationships become internalized into a persistent loop of negative feedback they give themselves. It lowers their self-esteem and affects their sense of competency in the world--whether they show this to you or not. It also colors their relationship with you. While sometimes they don’t do what you ask because it’s tedious or unpleasant, sometimes they just want to avoid the tough stuff and exert control over one area of their lives. This means saying ‘NO’ to you.
With this awareness in mind, remember that family conflict upsets everybody. Your son or daughter dislikes the arguments and tension as much as you do. This is their incentive to cooperate and how you can entice them to participate. Sit down during a calm moment and ask them how they would like to be reminded of stuff and what ideas they have about your responses from you when they don’t cooperate. This puts the ball back in their court and gives them some appropriate input. You are not discussing whether or not to do something but how to communicate about what needs to get done.
Follow these steps to improve cooperation and reduce arguments:
- Listen to their suggestions.
- Offer your feedback about what you’ve seen that works and what doesn’t seem to make a difference.
- Brainstorm concrete, do-able solutions for cuing together. Consider Post-Its, texts, calendar alerts, phone calls or face-to-face, calmly stated reminders.
The ADHD Solution Deck gives adults new insights into the minds and feelings of youth with ADHD, and offers practical, easy-to-use tools that foster more cooperation and reduce arguing.
The deck is divided into five themes:
- Self-Control. Tools to manage your own feelings first so you can act effectively, and teach your child to do the same.
- Compassion. Strategies to meet your child where they are, not where you expect them to be.
- Collaboration. Learning to use a "we" attitude instead of a "you should" approach.
- Consistency. Tips to aim for steadiness, without expecting perfection from you or your child.
- Celebration. Reminders to recognize what is working, and providing on-going praise.
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Most adults with ADHD procrastinate and avoid doing things they think are boring, overwhelming or unachievable.
That's why Dr. Sharon Saline wants to provide 5 Tips to Get Stuff DONE!
This PDF is free to print and download.
Sharon Saline, PsyD, ADHD-CCSP, clinical psychologist and author of the award-winning book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life and The ADHD Solution Deck, specializes in working with children, teens, and families living with ADHD, learning disabilities, twice exceptionality and mental health issues.
With decades of experience as a clinical psychologist, educator and consultant, she guides people towards a greater understanding about neurodivergence and to live with more productivity and connection. She lectures and facilitates workshops internationally on topics such as ADHD ad neurodivergence, executive functioning, the anxiety spectrum, motivation, perfectionism and working with different kinds of learners.
Dr. Saline is on the advisory panel, serves as a contributing editor at ADDitudemag.com and hosts their monthly Solve My Problem live webinar sessions. She is an instructor in the department of psychiatry, University of Massachusetts-Baystate, T.H. Chan School of Medicine, Springfield, MA. She also blogs for PsychologyToday.com, appears as a featured expert on MASS Appeal on WWLP-TV and is a part-time lecturer at the Smith School for Social Work. She has been featured in numerous online and print publications including The New York Times, MSN, The Washington Post, The Psychotherapy Networker, Smith College Studies in Social Work, Attention Magazine, Attitude Magazine and more.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Dr. Sharon Saline maintains a private practice and has employment relationships with Smith College School for Social Work and Additudemag.com. She is the founder and co-facilitator of Workshops at Northampton Area Pediatrics. Dr. Saline receives royalties as a published author. She receives a speaking honorarium, recording, and book royalties from Psychotherapy Networker and PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Dr. Sharon Saline is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Massachusetts Psychological Association, the Children and Adults with ADHD, and the Attention Deficit Disorder Association.
